Egbert – Insight Recovery Coaching

One Big Mistake in Your Struggle To Stay Sober From Porn and Compulsive Sex

Egbert — Tue, 24 Feb 2026 04:26:51 +0000

Tried to stop more than once…
and found yourself back in the same place…?

I want you to hear this clearly:

You’re not weak.
You’re not broken.
And you’re not the only one.

The biggest mistake I see — and I say this with respect — is believing this is a willpower problem.

Most of the men I work with are disciplined in every other area of life. They run companies. They manage teams. They provide for families. They solve complex problems.

And yet at night, when the stress is high or the house is quiet, something else takes over.

That doesn’t make you morally defective.
It means your brain learned a very efficient way to regulate discomfort.

What’s Really Happening

For many men, porn or acting out became a fast relief system.

Stress → escape.
Loneliness → stimulation.
Shame → distraction.
Overwhelm → numb out.

Over time, that pathway wires itself deeply.

So when tension rises, your system reaches for the familiar regulator — not because you consciously decided to betray your values, but because your nervous system wants relief.

When you understand it that way, something shifts.

It becomes less about “Why am I like this?”
And more about “What is my system trying to regulate?”

What I’ve Seen Work

Here’s what the men who begin breaking the cycle start doing differently:

1. They get curious instead of critical.

Instead of “I’m pathetic,” it becomes, “What state am I in right now?”

Tired? Hungry?
Resentful? S
Avoiding something difficult?

Clarity lowers intensity.

2. They interrupt earlier.

Not when they’re already searching.
When the restlessness first shows up.

Urges build gradually. Catching them upstream changes everything.

3. They build replacement regulation.

Not just rules.

Walking before bed.
Breathing practices.
Cold water.
Calling someone.
Structured shutdown routines.

Not because these are magic.
Because the nervous system needs alternatives.

4. They expect urges.

Recovery isn’t the absence of temptation.
It’s a different response to it.

The Pattern Most Men Get Stuck In

Resolve → Tension → Acting Out → Shame → Resolve.

That loop is exhausting.

And if you’re in it right now, I see you. Truly.

The shift doesn’t come from trying harder.

It comes from understanding what’s underneath and building something stronger than willpower.

If This Sounds Familiar

You don’t need more shame.
You don’t need more secrecy.
You need a strategy that respects how your brain and nervous system actually work.

That’s the work I do with men every week.

If you want the next step, you can start here:

👉 Link to Coaching Call

Recovery is Contagious – Catch it from your team!

Egbert — Fri, 03 Jun 2022 08:59:22 +0000

You catch Recovery from those you surround yourself with. So building up a team who are contagious is important. People who personify recovery with all that they are, say, breath, and do will mean you’re more likely to catch it!

If you don’t know people or resources that could part of your team, a Recovery Coach is a great place to start. Whether you engage a private coach, or connect with one at a Community Recovery Center, they can be a fantastic way to build a few connections quite quickly. Work with your coach to figure out who you want on your recovery team. You might think you don’t know, but trust your coach and your intuition to come up with some first team members. Addiction can be defined as a biopsychosocial phenomenon – so find people who are contagious in any or all three of those categories is important. For many, Recovery is also spiritual process. So finding contagious spiritual people may also serve your Recovery. Work with coach to see who might round out your team at any point in your Recovery. You can always make more additions, or trades later. And remember – not everyone has to be on your team forever. It’s OK to take whatever Recovery you need to catch from them and then find more Recovery from someone else.

Once you’ve made some first decisions about who you need on your Recovery Team, your coach can connect you, or empower you to make the connection yourself! You might want a medical team member who can help you with detoxing, working on a methadone based recovery plan, or dealing with an chronic problem that is causing you pain (like some overdue dental work, or a skin ulcer). You might need legal help, or a mental health coach. Maybe your finances are causing you suffering, or you need a new place to live. Maybe you’ve never meditated and want to try, or you need a gym, or an art group, or a yoga community. One great resource to finding more team members is a community support group. There’s a lot of differences between groups – such as between SMART Recovery & Dharma Recovery, or between different ‘chapters/flavours’ of the same group (12 STEP –AA or NA). Your Coach can help you understand the differences, and choose one to try – or maybe two! Its OK to catch Recovery from more than one Community.

In fact – catching Recovery from different sources is quite important. Because addiction is so strong and cunning, you will need to “catch recovery” repeatedly. Recovery team members who are at a similar stage of recovery often share the exact thing you need in your recovery, from the same point of understanding –and it can be highly contagious although it may not be as deep or last as long. People with technical expertise can provide longer lasting results though if we have not yet learned to trust, we might give up before it effective. People with their own deep recovery can provide a constant source of contagious Recovery – some of it is useful right away, and if we’re fortunate, we’ll come to understand more of it later and its like catching Recovery multiple times from one dose! And we need all of these different exposures to Recovery over and over – its contagious – but until we build up enough Recovery, the results don’t last long. And that’s why we have different team members!

So, to get the most recovery that you are able, in the way you need it, from people you trust, build a Recovery Team. Work together, not all team members will be in agreement all the time, so work with your Coach – You are the Captain and get to decide.

But what ever you do – go out there and get exposed!

FEELINGS – ’cause a stiff upper lip won’t help you in Recovery.’

Egbert — Tue, 19 Apr 2022 05:46:30 +0000

I don’t recall my parents talking about their feelings, but I certainly saw him express anger and her express disappointment.

Most little boys are told, “Don’t cry”, “Suck it up, be a man”, or “We don’t talk about that in this house”. And if no one taught you how to recognize the difference between hungry or horny, tired or rejected, how can you know what you need or what isn’t serving you? As much as you may have heard that “Your sponsor doesn’t want to hear your feelings”, or the meeting isn’t a play to figure out your feelings, it is VERY important work in recovery. In our addiction, our behaviours focussed on reward relief and escape. If we want to change our behaviours, we must recognize what feelings drive the behaviours. As Gabor Mate said, “Ask not why the addiction, ask why the pain.”

When working with clients about longer-term goals, I like to ask “How do you want to feel a year from now?” –

Typically I hear answers like:
I want to feel like everyone knows I’m here.
I want to feel like she respects my opinion.
I want to feel like my kids want to spend time with me

These are all statements about somebody else’s actions without acknowledgement of our own feelings or state of being. See the confusion? Even being able to use a feeling word in a sentence eludes many of us. I once suffered the same ignorance. I had to learn what I was feeling, I learned to label it, understand it, differentiate it. But how do I do this when I didn’t have the words?

And so I present to you a – a feelings wheel. Now, this was pretty overwhelming when I first saw it. There are different versions with subtle differences. Find one that resonates with you right now if this one doesn’t. You might find one that works now won’t be right for you later… One of the joys of being human – We change!

There are also lots of ways to “USE” a feelings wheel. Following a suggestion, I pulled it out of my pocket every hour and tried to complete the sentence: I feel __________ right now. Some people liked to start there day learning about one or two of the emotions and see if they came up for them. Others would end their day and try to find a word that matched. I found another tool was teen fiction – coming of age stories put words to feelings in simpler scenarios that helped me figure out what was going on.

At first, I just used the inner portion of the wheel – just 6 feelings. Really! I certainly wasn’t able to parse it down from sadness to shame or neglect. I had been using my addiction for so long that I had lost touch with who I was and what I was feeling. I had a hard time knowing if I was angry or hungry. Bored or lonely. Tired or sad. These were an early lesson in the fact that the body and mind are tied together. Trying to use only my addicted brain and never my heart was killing me.

Here’s my explanation of feelings vs emotions: Emotions are the physical reaction of our body in response to chemicals produced in the brain as a consequence of a present situation/stimulus. Feelings are the side product of your brain perceiving an emotion and assigning a certain meaning to it. Confused yet? They’re related, one can cause the other (yup – goes both ways!) but recognizing feelings and changing them is a thinking activity that most of us can start fairly soon. I recognize that this is a little different than what we normally think of when we use terms like “emotional intelligence” or “control your emotions”.

The pathway to changing my feelings needed to move from addictive practices to healthy. My response to ‘negative feelings’ was to relieve or escape through using. When I did have a ‘good feeling’, my addicted brain would reward and reinforce it – often a feedback loop of using addiction to reward for using addiction. Learning to recognize my feelings, and acknowledge my own beliefs and experiences were creating them was profound for me. That and the distinction between emotions and feelings were things I wish I had learned before I was 45! It is an ongoing process, my journey on the path of wellness (recovery).

Future blog posts will include emotions, and how all emotions and feelings show up in the body and in the brain.

Egbert

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Recovery from Sexual Addiction: How a Coach Can Help

Egbert — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 11:35:31 +0000

Recovery Coaches support those dealing with substance abuse, alcohol, or other struggles such as sex addiction. Thus, coaches serve multiple roles when it comes to helping people with addiction.

What do coaches offer?

You may wonder what a recovery coach does. What exactly do they offer to you when you’re struggling? Coaches provide support for you in your healing process and do so in a structured way. Here are some specific examples of what a recovery coach offers, followed by more information about recovery coaches who focus specifically on sexual addiction.

Experience dealing with similar issues to what you’re facing

Perhaps most importantly, recovery coaches provide lived experience and insight. This means that when they’re helping others, it’s not from a place of theory. They’ve been through it just like you. Many coaches have crawled out from addiction, mental health struggles, traumas, and more. They provide support and experience as another person who’s been through it.

Empathy instead of judgment

Coaches aren’t there to judge or make you feel guilty for behaviours. You’ve probably done that enough to yourself. Instead, they will provide you with non-judgmental understanding and validation. Whatever you’ve done or been through, they may have well survived that themselves. If not, they’ve at least been through something similar.

Give you a sense of direction

When unwanted behaviours have taken over your life, it may seem like there’s no way out. However, even when you’re ready to tackle issues, you may not be able to see the direction or next steps needed. A recovery coach will come from a neutral, calmer place to help you see the way forward. They may help you identify what you do and don’t want in your life and where to start.

For example, you may need to change current patterns, take a break, change environments, or build different coping skills. This will depend on your unique situation, but a coach can help you sort this out. Possible areas of direction a coach may help you work through include:

What your life will look like without addiction
What obstacles can be removed
Your relationship goals
Where you want to be in a year, or five years
How do you see your career moving forward
Overall health and fitness goals

Encouragement to overcome your addiction

Recovery is difficult. Overcoming an addiction, in particular, is challenging. But during moments when you feel you’ve failed, can’t continue in recovery, or it’s just too hard, a coach can be there. They can listen, support you, and offer encouragement to keep going. Or, if you’ve felt you’ve relapsed, which is part of the process, they can help you get right back on track.

Ongoing training to help you consistently

In addition to being a peer with real experience, coaches also go through a training process. They learn about practical goal setting, obstacles, and changing habits. They can train you in this process as well. By modifying your patterns and perspectives, you can begin to move forward. It’s not just about overcoming your problems but about building the life you want.

Help keep you accountable

Accountability isn’t about shaming you or making you feel bad if you don’t meet your goals or make the changes you want. However, it’s difficult for many, if not most, people to stick to hard things without outside help. If you know you’ll be checking in with your coach to update them about your progress; you’re much more likely to stick to your goals.

Patients in recovery programs often credit recovery coaches as an essential part of treatment, providing them with the social support needed during the process. In one study at a substance abuse treatment program, patients noted that recovery coaches provided these elements:

Accessibility
Shared experience
Motivation to change
Connection to resources

Recovery Coaching for Sex Addiction

Some mentors serve a very specific role as recovery coaches for sexual addiction. These coaches offer all of the same support elements as other recovery specialists and have lived experience overcoming compulsive sexual behaviours. They can help with struggles such as:

Porn addiction
Excessive masturbation
Infidelity
Impulsive or anonymous sex
Love addiction
Fetish obsessions
Obsessive use of hookup apps
Any other unwanted sexual compulsions

These specialists can help you change the patterns of your sexual behaviours while replacing these with healthy coping skills. As a result, you can learn to overcome these problems and focus on the important things, like building a healthy, meaningful life.

If you’re interested in recovery coaching for sexual addiction, I can help. I’ve been where you are, and I became a coach to provide the same support that I needed to recover. To take the first step, set up a free 15-minute call to discuss your situation and how I can help. Schedule here to get started.

What are the types of Sexual Addiction?

Egbert — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 11:33:58 +0000

Just like any type of addiction, the impact it can have on your life. From consuming all of your time, effort, and energy to damaging your relationships, sexual addiction is a destructive behaviour dependence.

Sexual addiction is compulsive, and it controls you—up to 30% of all adults on the planet struggle with sexual addiction. But the act of sex isn’t the only type of sexual addiction.

So what are the types of sexual addiction? Read on to find out.

Type of sexual addiction #1: Online Dependence

In the age of the internet, the average person spends roughly 144 minutes per day on social media. This excessive amount of time doesn’t include shopping or video games.

The majority of people, at some point or another, have also viewed pornography online. Typically, men spend an average of 5-17 minutes watching porn online. But sometimes, people become addicted to this activity and can’t stop. It may take over their day, their sexual self, their relationship, and much of their free time.

Type of sexual addiction #2: Love and Sex Addiction

Often, people with sex addiction are actually seeking a deep emotional connection with another person. However, because they cannot fully meet this need or don’t know how to, they may compensate for it through sex, which at least offers a brief sense of intimacy.

Men may become obsessed with more than sex itself, constantly fantasizing about their perfect future life with each new potential person. As a result, they may jump quickly between affairs or sexual partners, always striving to meet that need for closeness but unable to.

Becoming attached and a bit preoccupied with a new relationship is normal. Unfortunately, however, some people tend to become attached to those who are not available or self-sabotaging anytime a healthy partner comes along. In this case, the unproductive pattern is getting in the way of a genuine, fulfilling connection. And the obsession gets in the way of having a meaningful life.

Dating App Obsessions

It’s easier than ever for people with compulsive sexual behaviours to find one another. The use of “hookup” apps also encourages a culture of casual sexual relationships. While many people believe people should be able to act freely on their sexual desires, this feeling of freedom isn’t present for many people who start to feel obsessed.

Those with sexual addiction may instead feel their desires are controlling them. For example, men may become engrossed with dating apps because of the easy and quick access and the thrill of anonymous or impersonal sexual encounters. Even if they’re not always meeting up with the person they’re chatting with; they may still spend an extended amount of time cruising on the apps. Once people get pulled into this pattern, it can be hard to stop.

Impulsive Affairs

The truth is, many people have affairs. In Canada, up to 10% of people admit to having cheated on a partner, and another 10% or so have seriously considered it. In the U.S., that number jumps to 20% for married men.

However, having a brief affair and regretting it, or working out infidelity issues with your partner, is very different from an ongoing pattern. Those who have repeated affairs may be purposefully or unknowingly doing so to get that “high” feeling that often comes on at the beginning of relationships.

Once you meet someone new and an initial attachment is triggered, “love chemicals” hijack the brain. This involves a large release of dopamine, which makes the new partner feel a lot like a drug. Over time, this effect wears off, and the addicted person may become attracted to a new partner to start the cycle all over again. Unfortunately, they may have no awareness of why this is happening.

In other cases, the affair ends, only to start back up again. Each time it starts over, the love chemical process is triggered again. In this way, people may become addicted to the cycle of a particular relationship.

Niche Sex Addictions

This category covers multiple other types of sexual addictions, such as fetishes. It’s normal for humans to have fetishes or kinks. In fact, at least half, if not a majority, of humans typically acknowledge some type of kink in formal surveys.

However, as with any behaviour, the level of preoccupation is what matters. If the behaviour or interest feels obsessive and interferes with someone’s personal life, relationship, or work, it may be considered problematic.

Finding Support

If you feel your sexual behaviours have taken over your life, you don’t have to stay in this cycle. I have suffered from this myself, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. As a recovery coach, I help men who are still stuck in their compulsions, so they can break out and begin to live a normal life again.

Are you interested in finding support and changing this cycle? Set up a free initial call here, and see how I can help.

Sex Addiction: Tools for Recovery

Egbert — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 11:29:33 +0000

If you’re struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours, you’re not alone. Millions of men have been there, including me. Fortunately, you can change your patterns and get out of this cycle. Here are some ideas to get you started on the road to recovery.

What are the tools for coping with sex addiction?

You may need more than coping skills to get better from sex addiction or compulsive sexual behaviour. However, these tools can help you along the way as you’re seeking ongoing support. You can try out any of these skills or skip the ones that don’t work for you. Even small changes can jump-start your recovery.

Avoid triggers that worsen your symptoms of sex addiction

It’s hard to change habits, but if possible, try to limit triggers like apps, bars, or unfiltered internet, at least at first. Some people in recovery from sex addiction set filters on their home internet that won’t allow them to access pornography sites easily. This can at least provide a delay if you have an impulsive moment.

If you can’t avoid triggers entirely, try to put obstacles in your way. For example, some people attempting to stop drinking don’t take money with them to work. This way, they won’t have cash if they’re tempted to stop at the liquor store on the way home. Of course, they could still go home and get the money, but the trigger may be less powerful by that time.

Similarly, think about your own habits and impulsive behaviours and what you can put in between them and you. Do you spend money at strip clubs? Is there a local hookup bar you drive by every day? Perhaps you can change your usual routes, so you’re not as tempted. Think about ways to make it more difficult to access the materials, people, or places that tend to enable your addiction.

Consider setting boundaries with people that encourage the destructive behaviour

Sometimes people spend a lot of time in environments that encourage the behaviours they want to change. For example, if you have friends that pressure you to go out or tend to encourage a “party” attitude, start cutting those ties.

You don’t have to give many details if you don’t want to. Just let them know you’re trying not to go out as much and may not be hanging out for a while. Then replace those elements with other less tempting activities.

Replace your old habits with new ones

Along these lines, you can begin to create new habits to replace those that lead to acting out. For example, if you give up going to bars, replace those nights with working out at a new gym. This will give you some of the same positive feelings, without the behaviour you want to change. Here are some other ideas to think about for inspiration:

Train for a local marathon
Take an online class
Schedule date nights with your partner
Invite a platonic friend to hang out
Learn to cook your favourite meals

Practice mindfulness to develop healthy coping strategies

Mindfulness is a common practice used to deal with stress, triggers, and mental health struggles. Many people struggling with addiction find this helpful. It involves simply slowing down and noticing your experience in the moment.

Like with exercise, the more you practice mindfulness, the better it will work. However, even occasionally, using it during a difficult moment makes a difference. It may be helpful to start with some videos or mindfulness apps to get the hang of it. Other activities that can include mindfulness include yoga, Tai chi, jogging outdoors, or simply taking a few minutes to notice your breath.

Consider journaling to understand your feelings and behaviour

If you don’t mind writing, journaling can be a great tool to get to the bottom of what you’re feeling. You can use it to process your day, examine your underlying feelings, or track triggers. Many people also practice what’s called “gratitude journaling,” which is simply writing about positive events and things in your life that you’re grateful for. This can reframe your attitude over time, especially if you tend to look at the negatives.

Find alternative things to enjoy and entertain yourself with

If your life has become consumed by your addiction, you may be missing out on some of the other things you enjoy the most. For example, if you used to enjoy music or old movies, you can make a point to make time for these hobbies. Other ideas include searching for a motivational podcast, finding a new series to get into for a while, or playing video games (all in moderation, of course).

Reach out to supportive people you can trust

Many people with addiction struggle with isolation. This could be due to shame or simply because their sexual behaviours have been consuming their time. If this is the case for you, reach out to supportive friends you haven’t seen in a while. If you have difficulty making connections, look for settings that make it easier to socialize. This could be through a gym or through fellowship groups that focus on sobriety or healthy living.

Consider Recovery Coaching to help with your sex addiction

Another option for support is through recovery coaching. This is how I help support others who are struggling with sexual addiction. I’ve been down the same road as you and can provide experience to help you chart a way out. I can help you clarify where you’re at, set goals, and take the steps needed to get to where you want to get to.

If you’re interested in learning how recovery coaching can help, set up an initial free call. You can schedule an appointment here. I look forward to hearing from you!